Everything becomes so heavy. Everything now becomes so intimidating. I can no longer withstand with all these for any longer time. I am still fine now, as of today, this hour, this minute, this second, now. But I don't know about later.

For the first time, I really wish I could turn back in time to redo everything. I know I sound ungrateful but I really need to let this out. Right now I don't damn care about the lesson that I should learn from this experience.

I really hope I could turn back in time. If I had taken engineering in the first place, this kind of circumstances that I'm facing right now wouldn't even exist. I would be happier because I would be studying the things that I like, and I wouldn't have to worry about the tuition fees and my MARA status. I know I caused this to happen but if just I take engineering in the first place, I wouldn't be a burden or trouble to my parents, MARA and to myself.

Why am I so stupid to keep believing I can become a medical doctor when I myself know that I academically couldn't? Why am I so stupid to just ignore what my inner-self has told me before? Why am I so stupid to not take engineering in the first place?!

WHY?

It really has been a while since I last cried because I really don't know how to cry anymore. But now I think I finally remember how to cry. I am having a pond of tears in my eyes right now it's just they don't roll off yet.

I know I am being totally irrational now but I have already googled on how to turn back in time. Even though all the results are about thermodynamics, mechanic quantum and all, but I am still reading them.

Ya Allah please help me, I don't want to be a burden to my parents, please, just let me go back to the time of after my SPM years to redo everything.

I feel so stupid right now.