Actually I have a lot of things to write about. I wrote most of the things I feel like writing in this one apps called Diaro. But I don’t think it would be wise to write about that again in the blog because they are mostly about my families and issues that I’m facing now. I’m just not going to share those kind of stories here, yet.

So as for now I’m going to write about the idea that I just came across. It is the present for my birthday. But not for me, it’s for my parents.

Ok the only thing I can tell here is that my parents have started to lose hope of me. I am so sad, and feel like I have no one to go to, with them being like that. But I understand why. But for the time being, I am still very very sad.

So, I thought of creating an email account for them, though technically they’ve already had one each. Maybe it would be something like abahmama@gmail.com lol. Something like that mostly. I will send email to this account, writing about my day, my failures, my hardships, my success and etc., all to this email address. And I’m planning to give them the email address with the password on my birthday, when I feel like I’m already financially stable, or I have at the very least succeed in achieving most of my goals.

I read about this on Facebook about a pair of couple who created an email address for their children, and put pictures and stories about their children in the email. And they gave it as birthday present when their children was at high school or university I couldn’t really remember, but something like that. So I wanted to do the same, it’s just the other way around. I am the one who gives the email address to my parents during my birthday.

Omg I really can’t wait for the day to come!

Like, when I am already being successful enough, I can let my parents know the hardships and the pain that I have went through when everyone keeps putting their blame on me. And I would also be able to recall those hard times with them. Oh btw I am not sure yet whether I want to read the emails with them or just give them the email and password and leave, let them read the emails by themselves.

But this is going to be very exciting! I can’t wait to see their expressions after logging in to the account and reading all those emails!

Okay I bet everyone has a childhood dream. Whether it is achieved or not by now, that’s not the point. The point is about the dream or ambition that you have as a kid.

I did have one.

I wanted to become a medical doctor. But until now I really couldn’t recall as of why I wanted to become a doctor so much. When I viewed the diary that I had when I was a kid, I could see of how bad I wanted to become a doctor, of how persistent I have been, seeing from the way I wrote, from the way I kept emphasizing on ‘I will be a doctor one day’, ‘I am a doctor to be’. I seemed to be very confident that I would become a medical doctor when I grow up.

Which technically, and realistically, not.

Okay maybe I have to admit that I really wanted to become a doctor (even though I really couldn’t recall the reason), but somehow along the way, along the process, we started to develop interest towards some specific area or areas. And the areas of interest that I have interest in have nothing to do (or less to related to) with Biology, which are Mathematics and Chemistry.

I still could remember of how bad I have been in Science subject, when I was in PMR years. I almost failed, I barely got an A ugh. But eventually Alhamdulillah I still got straight A’s for my PMR. Then when I entered Form 4, Science is divided into more specific science, Biology, Chemistry and Physics. Among these three, my marks for Bio were really pfffft, they were really embarrassing hahaha. But surprisingly, I could secure A’s or B+’s most of the time for my Physics and Chemistry. How about Maths and Add Maths? Well I’m not trying to brag here but, I always had confidence when I was sitting for these two papers, and also would secure good marks as well.

I know if I wanted to become a doctor, I should be good in Biology. I have to master the most basic things in Bio. But I think maybe reading is not my thing. I mean I can read a lot of novels and all, but the one that needs memorization, uh uh. I’d prefer doing maths or addmaths all day long without getting tired (ceh tipu je) rather than reading bio all day long (?).

I have always tried to be positive whenever I got my bio results. Even until SPM. Even until first semester of foundation. Even until second semester of foundation. Even until final semester of foundation. Even until the end of first year. But somehow the positivity that I used to have changed to doubt, or maybe actually some realization? That actually I am really not fit for this course?

When I decided to change course, from medical related course to engineering related course, of course my parents really wouldn’t want me to do so. They insisted me to just persevere. I’m so tired. I can persevere if I do have interest in it but I don’t! That’s why I got so tired.

But when I joined the engineering classes, labs, course works, and also did the tutorials which involves A LOT of calculations, whoa, I’m so feeling like finally I am belonged somewhere, finally I’m in the right zone, finally I’m feeling happy.

Maybe the idea of having ‘cita-cita’ when we were a kid is not that good. Because when we have the ambition, it is like we are already setting a bar for us to achieve. We try to achieve it even though we started to deviate our interest in something else. We try to achieve it without being realistic, without wanting to admit or acknowledge the real potential that we have within us.

But maybe the idea of having ambition when we were a kid is good as well. You know what you want, you strive for it. It is like you already have guidelines what to do now what to do next what to do after that. You already have something that you wanted to achieve, that you wanted to prove to yourself.

But as for me, I couldn’t achieve my ambition as a medical doctor. I’m not being sad about it, in fact, I'm glad. I no longer have to hide or to deny the real potential that I have, the real brain that I can use. But still I can become a doctor, maybe not as a medical doctor, but as a doctoral degree holder in engineering field. Hehe. Amiin!

Allahumma yassir wa la tuassir. Rabbi tammim bilkhairi ya kariim.