Reasons.
April 13, 2017
I am an introvert. But sometimes I can
be talkative as well, to and in front of a group of friends that I am used to. Talkative
to them, but that doesn’t mean that I share my problems with all of them. It’s
not that I don’t trust them, it’s just, I’m scared and afraid. Why? I don’t know.
But there is one thing that led me
to becoming like that. Experience.
When I was a kid, when I was in
primary school, I had a lot of friends, and they were so nice to me. They were
also my best friends. I couldn’t remember was it when I was standard 3 or 4, I liked
this one boy, and I told this one friend of mine. I told her it was a secret,
it was my first time liking a boy. I thought she would keep it to herself, but
then she told my other friends, and it happened that another friend of mine
liked the boy as well. And guess what? She no longer wanted to be friend with
me. I felt really guilty.
I even wanted to stop liking the
boy because I didn’t want that to be the reason why we are not befriending. And
the amazing part added to the drama is the boy liked me as well. Lol. But that didn’t
really excite me. I got even scared. At that time I know if this one friend of
mine knows about this, I’m dead.
And yes, I’m dead.
She sent me a letter which was
written in it that she hates me she regrets having friend like me she really
likes the boy, she calls me backstabber. I didn’t know what backstabber was the
moment I read the letter, but when I searched for the meaning in the
dictionary, I cried.
I am a backstabber? Of what? Of liking
the same boy as she liked? Of him liking me? Was that my intention that she can
accuse me as a backstabber? Was that intentional? Was it really a fault that I happened
to like the same boy?
I was a freaking kid who still carry
bottle around my neck during recess, eat 20 cents ice cream sluggishly after
school, but I had already lived with the fear as a ‘backstabber’. My clique no
longer wanted to speak to me. Because this ‘girl’ is so-called the leader of the group. So
like she didn’t invite me anymore to the group and everyone else just would be
fine with that. This ‘girl’ would give me this I hate you look and smirk at me whenever we bumped into each other.
I was very sad. I still can remember the feelings that I got to feel then.
Oh what happened to the friend who
generously told everyone about my secret? She didn’t know that she was the
reason of this whole chaos because I didn’t want to blame her, I didn’t tell
her about this. But at some point I wanted her to know that these are all her
fault. I don’t know whether she didn’t have common sense or what lol.
So long story short, I was living in
fear of the shadow of this ‘girl’ until she transferred to other school. Only until
then that I felt very free and relieved. I felt very free, but my opinions and
feelings and thoughts aren’t. I became very selective of what I wanted to
share. Sometimes I kept everything just to me also. And I didn’t have a lot of
friends after that.
When I got into boarding school, I was
very happy because I am fresh. No one knows who I am, except Anis because she
was in the same primary school as I was. I became the new me. I felt free.
Getting into university. I had some academic problems. I don’t like my course. I really couldn’t cope with the course. I tried very hard to study everyday but I am so damn slow at studying biology because of all the terms, theories. I am not a biology-mental person.
But I am scared to tell this to my
parents. First, I don’t want to give up yet I want to strive for the very best
that I can (mind you I was a very positive person, very optimistic). Second, I am
afraid they will scold me, so like it still results to nothing, I still cannot
change my course even if I tell them.
When I failed some of the modules, I
had to re-sit, that was the only time I told them the truth about my problems. I
told them I don’t like my course, it was so tough, I really couldn’t take this.
I hoped and I thought they would understand, they wouldn’t scold me. I hoped. I
thought.
But they scold me.
Why didn’t you tell us sooner about this we could figure
things out earlier if just you told us not this late. Did you not study hard
enough. Tu la tak belajar betul-betul belajar main-main.
But my mother didn’t really scold
me. She softly comforted me. That’s the exact thing that I wanted. Support.
I know it is my fault I maybe did
not study well enough. But you really had no idea how struggle how bad how hard
how forceful I have been to myself to keep on studying. You really had no idea how I
kept crying whenever I couldn’t understand the modules. You really had no idea
how many motivational videos on YouTube I have watched, how many motivational
images I made as my wallpaper, to keep getting motivated. You really had no
idea.
I know that it is my fault that I did
not tell you guys sooner. But I did tell you guys before (not related to
university academic problems) about some of the problems I have faced but still
you guys scold me and told me to just persevere and go through. Persevere, keep
going on, go through. So what’s the point of me telling all these if the result
would still be the same as if I didn’t tell in the first place?
I know that all of these, despite
of some external reasons, happened because of me. I myself made all these to
happen. But really you cannot simply put all the blames on me. I really studied
so damn late sometimes until 3 am just to read a 30-page biochemistry lecture
notes for class tomorrow. Not to mention pharmacology, histology, microbe. Not to
mention practical labs, lab reports, 2000 words essays.
I tried. I tried to avoid any
unwanted events. But sometimes maybe you just can’t avoid things from
happening, can you?
I am the main role in my life
drama. I know what I feel, what I see, what I have been through, what I am
going through. Only I know. 365 episodes per season. 21 seasons so far. More to
come, more to be produced, more to be released. If just I myself could watch the
pre-screening of my next episode, or even only the teaser, ah, how splendid.
Sometimes I really hope that we
could turn back in time, and fix everything needs to be fixed. Or advance to
the future, just to be at the time where we are already happy and achieve most
of the things we wanted, without the need to know and feel the pain before it.
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