I had always been an overachiever
since school. Well not exactly really. It started when I entered high school. I
never got the chance to become a topper when I was in primary school, but
luckily at the end I still managed to get straight A’s for my big exam in
primary school and got to get into boarding school. (I have always wanted to
get into MRSM because I wanted to follow the footsteps of Malaysia First
Astronaut, he was from MRSM so I wanted to become an MRSM student haha lol)
When I got into the boarding
school, which is my high school, I felt like I know my learning style, I could
cope with the boarding school life, I got good grades, good pointers, and good
in sports as well. So ‘well-rounded’. I graduated form 3 with a first class,
but I did not get the Anugerah Pelajar Cemerlang (Excellent Student Award),
because I didn’t get 3.50 for my first semester. So I set a goal after that
that I want to get that award for my form 5 graduation. And alhamdulillah I got
straight A’s as well for PMR.
I wanted to get into
one of the MRSM PKP (Program Khas Pendidikan like Taiping, TGB) badly, because it
seems like to be a better chance for me to score well for SPM. But unfortunately, I
didn’t. In my class, only 3 students who did not get the offer. I felt very sad
at that time because I did not get what I want, for the first time.
So I stayed in my school, while
most of my friends transfer. But after a while, I moved on. I became okay with
the fact that I stayed there. However still it felt different because most of
my best friends were not there anymore. But because of this, I became more
focused in my studies. I got 3.50 above for all 4 semesters. I studied hard
every day, became a very diligent student as I always went to the staff room to
ask questions from my teachers, represented my school for a lot of events, and
etc. In short, I graduated form 5 with a first class, got Anugerah Pelajar
Cemerlang, and even got Best Student Award.
I got the chance to enter
university early without the need of my SPM result, because we can use our
trial result to apply for universities. Since I got good grades for that, so I
applied for programmes that allowed me to study abroad, because that too is one
of the things I ever wanted. I got offered from The University of Nottingham
for Biomedical Sciences, 3 years in Malaysia and 1 final year in the UK.
When I got into Notts
(shortform form Nottingham), everyone around me is just as smart or smarter. I
don’t get insecure because of this, and I don’t think that it is a competition
where getting first place or last place determines who you are in universities,
because that is not how the universities work. When in universities, your
result is individual. It does not and will not affect other students’ results.
But one thing about getting into
twinning program, is about the pressure. I have to admit that I am really not
good at handling stress. But I just wanted to share here about the stress that I
had.
People kept asking me, ‘bila nak
fly?”. At first, it was like a normal question and I would answer it normally, “oh
lagi tiga tahun, foundation pun belum habis”. And then they ask the same
question again. And I gave them the same answer again. And sometimes even the
same people kept asking me that question over and over again. I became annoyed,
but of course I wouldn’t say it, I don’t want them to get butthurt or
whatsoever. But deep down, I was like, “dah berapa kali aku cakap 2017 baru aku
fly berapa kali nak tanyaaa”. Seriously though.
Sometimes I got scared to put
comments on my friends’ post because if they replied my comments, they will later for
sure ask me when I’m going to fly to the UK.
This doesn’t only circle around
my friends, but my family too. For every Syawal eid, whenever we went to visit
relatives at their houses, they will ask me that question also. I know and I understand
very very very well that they were just trying to initiate conversation with me
but you know what, you would understand what I feel when people ask me this
question.
You get excited and motivated to
study hard to meet the MARA requirement in order to fly, but questions like
these are all like expectations from people that make you become confused, you
are studying because it is what you want or because of them?
I am not really hoping that
whoever reads this, would understand what I say. It’s just that, I just want to
let someone know that, if you have friends who are still doing her or his
preparation program in Malaysia, don’t ask them “bila nak fly” banyak banyak
kali. Maybe there are some who are okay with this and find no problem with it,
but most of my friends from the same program as I am in now feel the same as I do.
We, the students who are still doing preparatory program in Malaysia, will
announce when we are going to fly when it is time. We will announce, we will
say it loudly, proudly.
This is one of the factors why my
academic result dropped drastically. One of the factors, but not the only factor. But
if I were to describe it numerically, I would say this factor itself occupies 3
out of 10 factors. Yes, a big one.
When I started with my first
year, I became like someone who doesn’t believe in herself. I kept asking me, “is
this really what I want to do?”. I know I
have always wanted to become a doctor since I was a kid, which I don’t even
know why, but biology is really not my forte though. With all my classmates
were all brainy kids who always have answers whenever we did case studies. I became
insecure, lost my self-confidence bit by bit, pathetic right?
Believe me I became a very weak
crybaby. I cried during the shower so that my housemates won’t realize. I don’t
know how to be sad in front of people, what more to share my petty problems.
You know what I think about now? I
want to turn back in time and fix everything that has led me to the becoming of
passive and pessimist me.
